I wonder...after all this time...after some more years pass before us, and further down the line...will I ever stop missing you? After all the memories fade? And so many new ones made? I wonder...
does this kind of love ever completely fade away? Will I forget all of the good times, and all the ones that caused me pain? Will I pass you on the street and carelessly say hi? Will there come a time when I can look into your eyes and no longer miss you? Will I ever stop missing you? Sometimes I catch a whiff of your cologne, a memory on the breeze, on someone else/s skin, and my heart still skips a beat. Will I always refer back to you no matter who I meet? Will it always feel like swordplay when I think of all the things we'd say? After decades gone by, will I have ever stopped missing you?
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Mustache, Oh Mustache
Who can really say when it began? If you want to go Freudian then my mustache obsession was probably imbred in me from the start. My dad had a decent mustache. Nothing to write home about, but certainly respectable. Thing is, I always seemed to loathe his mustache, almost as much as I loathed and despised him.
I do remember seeing my first mustache that sparked something inside me. It was 2002, and I was 16. Sitting in a dark theater watching "Gangs of New York", I could barely keep myself from jumping out of my seat and licking the screen. But it wasn't until years later that I could put my finger on exactly what it was that I found so irresistible. It wasn't the glass eye that he taps his knife on. It couldn't be the greasy hair, the willingness to kill in cold blood that could draw a young girl in in such a way. Oh Bill the Butcher, if only you were real.
No. It was the stache. Thick, black, and perfect. To think of it now is to think of a youthful crush that one will never forget. God damn. It's just SO FUCKING HOT.
Nowadays mustaches and the women that love them have become quite the trend. I recall that relatively recently a mustache was something special, something rare. You had to search for the kind of person that could really respect and admire a good mustache and all that went into it. Now they are all the rage, and just like Hello Kitty, tu-tu's, flannel shirts and every other trendy fave before it, "everyone is doing it." Stick on staches, mustache emblazoned T-shirts, plugs, septum rings for a glass stache--the country's obsession can be fueled by more and more merchandise.
These people, they are not true fans, lovers, etc. Mustaches are cool right now, they are "in", they are "hip". When everyone loves a mustache, no one can truly love a mustache. It's only a matter of time. What is popular will always quickly fade and burn-out, making way for something new to take-over.
Me? I am just biding my time. Waiting until like every craze before it, the masses lose interest. Then the true mustache fetishists will regain our footing, take back our turf, and rise again.
I leave you with this, still my favorite stache, still does it for me...every...time.
I do remember seeing my first mustache that sparked something inside me. It was 2002, and I was 16. Sitting in a dark theater watching "Gangs of New York", I could barely keep myself from jumping out of my seat and licking the screen. But it wasn't until years later that I could put my finger on exactly what it was that I found so irresistible. It wasn't the glass eye that he taps his knife on. It couldn't be the greasy hair, the willingness to kill in cold blood that could draw a young girl in in such a way. Oh Bill the Butcher, if only you were real.
No. It was the stache. Thick, black, and perfect. To think of it now is to think of a youthful crush that one will never forget. God damn. It's just SO FUCKING HOT.
Nowadays mustaches and the women that love them have become quite the trend. I recall that relatively recently a mustache was something special, something rare. You had to search for the kind of person that could really respect and admire a good mustache and all that went into it. Now they are all the rage, and just like Hello Kitty, tu-tu's, flannel shirts and every other trendy fave before it, "everyone is doing it." Stick on staches, mustache emblazoned T-shirts, plugs, septum rings for a glass stache--the country's obsession can be fueled by more and more merchandise.
These people, they are not true fans, lovers, etc. Mustaches are cool right now, they are "in", they are "hip". When everyone loves a mustache, no one can truly love a mustache. It's only a matter of time. What is popular will always quickly fade and burn-out, making way for something new to take-over.
Me? I am just biding my time. Waiting until like every craze before it, the masses lose interest. Then the true mustache fetishists will regain our footing, take back our turf, and rise again.
I leave you with this, still my favorite stache, still does it for me...every...time.
Monday, April 5, 2010
And now for something completely different
A year and a half ago I fell in love with my best friend. So I told him I couldn't speak to him again. I spent 6 months blaming him for not fighting for me. I spent another 6 months blaming myself for not fighting for him. Now I can see--it was the best thing I ever did. Hindsight is clearer than 20/20, it's 20/10. Sometimes it takes a while, but when the blinders fall away, you'll know.
I couldn't accept how we felt about each other then. It's a wonder that I couldn't see, with all the signs in front of me, lighting the way down the road. I didn't know.
I am over the moon to know in my heart that I am finally moving on. I know I will always love him, and I hope we know each other for the whole of our lives. But I am finally no longer in love. The man I loved I no longer know. We are currently strangers, and I find myself in love with our memories, but knowing I have changed so much that I couldn't be the person again I was when we were friends.
I spent such a good portion of this time period full of regret. I can't even feel that anymore. I learned so much from my mistakes, OUR mistakes, and I know I will NEVER repeat them. I will never again walk away out of fear. I know now the pain I can inflict. And most importantly, I have learned from all of this that not only is love real, but I can feel it, and I can feel it to such an extent that it almost left me bleeding on the side of the road.
This blog is laden with the songs I have written, words I have thought, the outpourings of my heart, all for this heavy year I sometimes barely got through.
I made it through. I didn't always believe I would. There was a light on the other end of the tunnel I clung too, and as much as it is bittersweet to move on from what moved me, it feels wonderful to be basking in the sunlight I found when I got out.
Deep down, I know this time that I have found the resolution to let the past be past, bygones be bygones, mistakes be lessons, and my heart heal.
Moving on, from here on out.
I couldn't accept how we felt about each other then. It's a wonder that I couldn't see, with all the signs in front of me, lighting the way down the road. I didn't know.
I am over the moon to know in my heart that I am finally moving on. I know I will always love him, and I hope we know each other for the whole of our lives. But I am finally no longer in love. The man I loved I no longer know. We are currently strangers, and I find myself in love with our memories, but knowing I have changed so much that I couldn't be the person again I was when we were friends.
I spent such a good portion of this time period full of regret. I can't even feel that anymore. I learned so much from my mistakes, OUR mistakes, and I know I will NEVER repeat them. I will never again walk away out of fear. I know now the pain I can inflict. And most importantly, I have learned from all of this that not only is love real, but I can feel it, and I can feel it to such an extent that it almost left me bleeding on the side of the road.
This blog is laden with the songs I have written, words I have thought, the outpourings of my heart, all for this heavy year I sometimes barely got through.
I made it through. I didn't always believe I would. There was a light on the other end of the tunnel I clung too, and as much as it is bittersweet to move on from what moved me, it feels wonderful to be basking in the sunlight I found when I got out.
Deep down, I know this time that I have found the resolution to let the past be past, bygones be bygones, mistakes be lessons, and my heart heal.
Moving on, from here on out.
As Always
Jakob Dylan never ceases to hit the chords in my heart that I try to ignore.
"Smile When You Call Me That"
You're gonna say "I told you so"
I never should have let you go
Ain't it funny that here we are
The two of us in two different bars
In separate cages, dancing slow
We ain't got nobody to call our own
You can always go back home
Well you just might be there alone
Now I'm drunk, and you're insane
I can't quit, and you won't change
Ain't no half-hearted Romeo
Why do you treat me so?
Like our loves a joke
It hurts too much to laugh
Why can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Days are harder than you would believe
Ain't having luck making ends meat
Time and money and luck I need
I'm richer than a poor man should be
Price of admission
Well it's much too steep
For broke uneducated clowns like me
It may be true I was first to leave
But now I'm begging you please
My hearts on my sleeve
And I'm tipping my hat
So can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Not much is certain
But this much is true
My arms are useless if they don't have you
They hang around me with nothing to do
I'm hoping you and yours are lonesome too
Neon buzzing, and here I am
Last one standing, last call again
While you're unfolding in a stranger's hands
I'll drink up and be somebody's man
Angels can walk
I've seen it before
They turn handles, they open doors
They act like devils, now you've been warned
They vanish when love is war
I'm down on my knees
And you won't have me back
Why can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
I'm down on my knees
And you won't have me back
But can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
"Smile When You Call Me That"
You're gonna say "I told you so"
I never should have let you go
Ain't it funny that here we are
The two of us in two different bars
In separate cages, dancing slow
We ain't got nobody to call our own
You can always go back home
Well you just might be there alone
Now I'm drunk, and you're insane
I can't quit, and you won't change
Ain't no half-hearted Romeo
Why do you treat me so?
Like our loves a joke
It hurts too much to laugh
Why can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Days are harder than you would believe
Ain't having luck making ends meat
Time and money and luck I need
I'm richer than a poor man should be
Price of admission
Well it's much too steep
For broke uneducated clowns like me
It may be true I was first to leave
But now I'm begging you please
My hearts on my sleeve
And I'm tipping my hat
So can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Not much is certain
But this much is true
My arms are useless if they don't have you
They hang around me with nothing to do
I'm hoping you and yours are lonesome too
Neon buzzing, and here I am
Last one standing, last call again
While you're unfolding in a stranger's hands
I'll drink up and be somebody's man
Angels can walk
I've seen it before
They turn handles, they open doors
They act like devils, now you've been warned
They vanish when love is war
I'm down on my knees
And you won't have me back
Why can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
I'm down on my knees
And you won't have me back
But can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Nostalgic Consequences
No time for the actions of a baby
Gotta take big steps backwards to where we were happy
We've settled the score with what you were searching for
And battled compromise all along the way
We're rewinding the tapes and starting over today
You have to cut off excess limbs even to fit in an irregular mold
Never dreaming it was your soul you sold
Little by little, and bit by bit
For a much cheaper price than we would like to admit
Read the fortune on the wall; the one that's making you sick
Fitting feet to cement footprints is only glamourized defeat
So many soldiers marching sideways, gaining nothing; incomplete
We cosmeticize mediocrity, claim to find beauty in the great inane
Nothing but jesters and village idiots dancing here
Winning in the short run, but we all lose the game
Be wary of the patterns; beatific and obscene
Sold yourself out for a face on the screen
Knowing all along it was never going to be the real thing
Because hobbies aren't dreams
Just a picture-within-picture of a much bigger scene
Gotta take big steps backwards to where we were happy
We've settled the score with what you were searching for
And battled compromise all along the way
We're rewinding the tapes and starting over today
You have to cut off excess limbs even to fit in an irregular mold
Never dreaming it was your soul you sold
Little by little, and bit by bit
For a much cheaper price than we would like to admit
Read the fortune on the wall; the one that's making you sick
Fitting feet to cement footprints is only glamourized defeat
So many soldiers marching sideways, gaining nothing; incomplete
We cosmeticize mediocrity, claim to find beauty in the great inane
Nothing but jesters and village idiots dancing here
Winning in the short run, but we all lose the game
Be wary of the patterns; beatific and obscene
Sold yourself out for a face on the screen
Knowing all along it was never going to be the real thing
Because hobbies aren't dreams
Just a picture-within-picture of a much bigger scene
Leave Me Alone
You don't know me
Stop pretending that you do
Your senseless questions Mmake it all the more clear
That we're practically strangers
So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind
You don't know me, I don't like you
Your a clear plastic vessel with not much inside
But pebbles for brains and a watery soul
There's no heart to stem from
And no seeds to grow
So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind
Burns on top of burns
Leave only rancid scars
But you won't learn
I don't want you near me
Why won't you hear me?
So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind
It's really not me this time
Once again, it's you
Never really caring,
But you're always over-sharing
Nothing and no one can get through
Stop pretending that you do
Your senseless questions Mmake it all the more clear
That we're practically strangers
So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind
You don't know me, I don't like you
Your a clear plastic vessel with not much inside
But pebbles for brains and a watery soul
There's no heart to stem from
And no seeds to grow
So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind
Burns on top of burns
Leave only rancid scars
But you won't learn
I don't want you near me
Why won't you hear me?
So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind
It's really not me this time
Once again, it's you
Never really caring,
But you're always over-sharing
Nothing and no one can get through
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Finally
I never believed in love, until I fell for you
I thought it just a nice idea believed in by a fool
I know I needed space, I think I needed time
To exculpate my heart, imprisoned by my mind
I didn't tell you when it was most important to
But that didn't mean I wasn't heart-wrenchingly in love with you
I love you now and I loved you then
And I'm not giving up again
I love you now as deeply as I loved you then
And I won't run away again
You said it yourself--that they didn't understand
They didn't understand the connection we had
I underestimated it myself, then I thought it gone
Finding out now it was there all along.
Maybe I didn't tell you when it was most important to
But that didn't mean I wasn't crazy in love with you
I love you now maybe more than I loved you then
I will not give up again.
I love you now maybe deeper than I loved you then
I will not run away again
I thought it just a nice idea believed in by a fool
I know I needed space, I think I needed time
To exculpate my heart, imprisoned by my mind
I didn't tell you when it was most important to
But that didn't mean I wasn't heart-wrenchingly in love with you
I love you now and I loved you then
And I'm not giving up again
I love you now as deeply as I loved you then
And I won't run away again
You said it yourself--that they didn't understand
They didn't understand the connection we had
I underestimated it myself, then I thought it gone
Finding out now it was there all along.
Maybe I didn't tell you when it was most important to
But that didn't mean I wasn't crazy in love with you
I love you now maybe more than I loved you then
I will not give up again.
I love you now maybe deeper than I loved you then
I will not run away again
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Catch Me You Can't
The only one who caught me
Was quick to let me go
You can't catch me
I will not be trapped again
My eye is fixed on the door
You can't catch me
I have my own suit of armor
And it's shiny as can be
You can't catch me
I will fly far from here
Before you even grow wings
You can't catch me
My foot's stuck to the gas pedal
I disconnected the brake
You can't catch me
Got my hand caught in a bear trap
Chewed it off for my own sake
You can't catch me
I can turn it off
As fast as I can turn it on
You can't catch me
You think you're sneaking up on me
But blink and I'll be gone
You can't catch me
Was quick to let me go
You can't catch me
I will not be trapped again
My eye is fixed on the door
You can't catch me
I have my own suit of armor
And it's shiny as can be
You can't catch me
I will fly far from here
Before you even grow wings
You can't catch me
My foot's stuck to the gas pedal
I disconnected the brake
You can't catch me
Got my hand caught in a bear trap
Chewed it off for my own sake
You can't catch me
I can turn it off
As fast as I can turn it on
You can't catch me
You think you're sneaking up on me
But blink and I'll be gone
You can't catch me
Monday, January 25, 2010
stream of thoughts
I remember the night we met clearly enough that if I close my eyes I can be there. The smell of the rainy night, the sound of tires on wet gravel echoing against metal walls in the industrial complex. I can still see the tattered brown couches in the first room I walked into. I can still hear the sound of my shoes on the linoleum. I can still see the people, a bunch of drunk kids because no one was carding, red plastic cups in everyone's hands.
I didn't register him then, but I remembered. I remember what I was wearing, because that is what sparked our first ever exchange of words. He told me he liked my shirt--hand-painted New York Dolls shirt I had made--and handed me a flier for his band. I didn't register him then, but I remembered.
When you meet someone you never know where your path will go. When we met 5 years ago I never would have imagined that 4 years later we'd become friends. That soon after that we'd be best friends. I couldn't have begun to comprehend that I would ever spend a year missing him with the heart I didn't know I had.
I never let people in. This is why he was such a devastating loss. Because I know what I had, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that again. I live somewhat outside of myself. I can float away from myself and marvel at the exhibit of it all. The fact I loved him so much fascinates me and intrigues me because it was an isolated incident. The whole lovely mess is carrion on the side of the road and I can't help but want to poke it with a stick.
Now that I have slipped back to a mostly emotionally isolated existence it seems even stranger that those months in 2008 existed. And that I spent the first half of 2009 in shards. Really? That was me? I did that? WE did that? How very alien, how very strange.
I am finally at a place where I am okay. Therefore I am completely torn, and I don't know what to do. I'm at a point now where the past is far away enough that I am happy again. I don't cry about it so much. I miss him now more because I know how much we loved each other, and not because everything reminds me of him. There were months where everything was a sharp painful reminder of something we had shared. Now the memories come in a slower trickle, dull and fuzzy.
Do I want to take a knife and slice into every single wound that has scabbed over? That is quite likely what I will be doing. Do I want to open up every single cut that festered for so long with disease now that they have finally, FINALLY, begun to look like my skin again? I'm scared. I'm honestly really scared. I don't want to go back to that place. I don't want to be where I was last February, not talking to anyone I knew for a month, turning off my cell phone for weeks. I am so afraid that that will happen again.
I still miss him. I miss him every damn day. But maybe that is how things should be. We all lose people, we all get broken hearts. We have to heal, we have to get over it. Maybe I am spoiled by the fact that we both want to be friends again. I have a choice, a choice that others don't. It wasn't a break-up, there was no ultimatum given to me. I was never told to stay away. I have the luxury of taking it back. I have apologized for telling him we could no longer be friends. I have told him how much I miss him. He told me everything was forgotten, forgiven, and water under the bridge.
I can have something back. Maybe not the relationship we had, because I can't imagine he could fully trust me again. But we could have some sort of rendition of who we were a year ago.
I just don't know if I want it. I don't know if can handle it. If I loved him once so deeply that I couldn't be around him, to try again could be opening a can of deadly worms.
If I didn't miss him so much every day it wouldn't be an issue. If I didn't still get tears in my eyes when I think of stuff we did I could easily dismiss him.
I have to make up my mind. We are down to the nitty-gritty. End of the wire. Time to play referee in my life and make a call. Play ball? Or chalk it up to experiences, try to separate the good times and keep them safe, and let it all lay where it lies, in the past?
I miss my best friend. But I don't miss the freshly broken heart.
I didn't register him then, but I remembered. I remember what I was wearing, because that is what sparked our first ever exchange of words. He told me he liked my shirt--hand-painted New York Dolls shirt I had made--and handed me a flier for his band. I didn't register him then, but I remembered.
When you meet someone you never know where your path will go. When we met 5 years ago I never would have imagined that 4 years later we'd become friends. That soon after that we'd be best friends. I couldn't have begun to comprehend that I would ever spend a year missing him with the heart I didn't know I had.
I never let people in. This is why he was such a devastating loss. Because I know what I had, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that again. I live somewhat outside of myself. I can float away from myself and marvel at the exhibit of it all. The fact I loved him so much fascinates me and intrigues me because it was an isolated incident. The whole lovely mess is carrion on the side of the road and I can't help but want to poke it with a stick.
Now that I have slipped back to a mostly emotionally isolated existence it seems even stranger that those months in 2008 existed. And that I spent the first half of 2009 in shards. Really? That was me? I did that? WE did that? How very alien, how very strange.
I am finally at a place where I am okay. Therefore I am completely torn, and I don't know what to do. I'm at a point now where the past is far away enough that I am happy again. I don't cry about it so much. I miss him now more because I know how much we loved each other, and not because everything reminds me of him. There were months where everything was a sharp painful reminder of something we had shared. Now the memories come in a slower trickle, dull and fuzzy.
Do I want to take a knife and slice into every single wound that has scabbed over? That is quite likely what I will be doing. Do I want to open up every single cut that festered for so long with disease now that they have finally, FINALLY, begun to look like my skin again? I'm scared. I'm honestly really scared. I don't want to go back to that place. I don't want to be where I was last February, not talking to anyone I knew for a month, turning off my cell phone for weeks. I am so afraid that that will happen again.
I still miss him. I miss him every damn day. But maybe that is how things should be. We all lose people, we all get broken hearts. We have to heal, we have to get over it. Maybe I am spoiled by the fact that we both want to be friends again. I have a choice, a choice that others don't. It wasn't a break-up, there was no ultimatum given to me. I was never told to stay away. I have the luxury of taking it back. I have apologized for telling him we could no longer be friends. I have told him how much I miss him. He told me everything was forgotten, forgiven, and water under the bridge.
I can have something back. Maybe not the relationship we had, because I can't imagine he could fully trust me again. But we could have some sort of rendition of who we were a year ago.
I just don't know if I want it. I don't know if can handle it. If I loved him once so deeply that I couldn't be around him, to try again could be opening a can of deadly worms.
If I didn't miss him so much every day it wouldn't be an issue. If I didn't still get tears in my eyes when I think of stuff we did I could easily dismiss him.
I have to make up my mind. We are down to the nitty-gritty. End of the wire. Time to play referee in my life and make a call. Play ball? Or chalk it up to experiences, try to separate the good times and keep them safe, and let it all lay where it lies, in the past?
I miss my best friend. But I don't miss the freshly broken heart.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
To try or not to try...
"...There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares
Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause..."
One of my best friends tells me I've gotten soft.
I started to brush the comment off my shoulder but quickly realized it's true.
I've gotten fucking soft. A year ago I would have chalked it up to just another disappointing person who doesn't really disappoint me because I give no one expectations that they can't merely step over. My expectations for people are not the high walls others build for them. I expect very little because I have learned that "very little" is just about what most people will give you in the end.
2009 saw in me many radical changes. For one, in February I "forgave" one of my friends who fucked me over. I even told her at the time that I never forgave people, but after her apologizing for weeks I decided I would give it a try, take a gander at something new.
A week ago this same person told me to lose her number, and to never speak to her again.
I know I did nothing wrong, so that isn't even the issue.
But I have spent the past week in a state of melancholy that is new to me. The problem with letting your walls crumble is that they lose their protective elements. I'm not Hans Christian Anderson's Dutch kid, and I don't have enough fingers to plug all the holes appearing in the dikes. There's a a flood coming in, I want to stop it but am clueless as to how.
I'm still more resilient, cold, and elusive than probably 90 percent of people. But the mere fact that a relationship, friendship, etc can effect me in any way is cause for pause and a need to draw up blueprints to start rebuilding.
I don't like that so many people seem to be getting in. I don't like that anyone can call me "soft" even half-jokingly, because half-joking is still half-true.
I never even liked a guy until a year and a half ago. Then I fell so hard in love that I am still nursing the wounds. Ever since then it seems to be a downhill slope, and the shoes I'm wearing have no traction. I keep slipping, and sometimes falling. If this keeps up I will be just like the rest, constantly injured and waiting for the next to heal me.
This past week I learned the hard way some people do not deserve forgiveness. Problem is, some people do, and you won't know which is which until it is too late. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. If that is true, we should never ever forgive, because chances are someone will make a fool out of you. People are inevitably heartbreakers, disappointments, idiots, abandoners, etc. To spare ourselves it is easier to just never give a second chance.
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares
Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause..."
One of my best friends tells me I've gotten soft.
I started to brush the comment off my shoulder but quickly realized it's true.
I've gotten fucking soft. A year ago I would have chalked it up to just another disappointing person who doesn't really disappoint me because I give no one expectations that they can't merely step over. My expectations for people are not the high walls others build for them. I expect very little because I have learned that "very little" is just about what most people will give you in the end.
2009 saw in me many radical changes. For one, in February I "forgave" one of my friends who fucked me over. I even told her at the time that I never forgave people, but after her apologizing for weeks I decided I would give it a try, take a gander at something new.
A week ago this same person told me to lose her number, and to never speak to her again.
I know I did nothing wrong, so that isn't even the issue.
But I have spent the past week in a state of melancholy that is new to me. The problem with letting your walls crumble is that they lose their protective elements. I'm not Hans Christian Anderson's Dutch kid, and I don't have enough fingers to plug all the holes appearing in the dikes. There's a a flood coming in, I want to stop it but am clueless as to how.
I'm still more resilient, cold, and elusive than probably 90 percent of people. But the mere fact that a relationship, friendship, etc can effect me in any way is cause for pause and a need to draw up blueprints to start rebuilding.
I don't like that so many people seem to be getting in. I don't like that anyone can call me "soft" even half-jokingly, because half-joking is still half-true.
I never even liked a guy until a year and a half ago. Then I fell so hard in love that I am still nursing the wounds. Ever since then it seems to be a downhill slope, and the shoes I'm wearing have no traction. I keep slipping, and sometimes falling. If this keeps up I will be just like the rest, constantly injured and waiting for the next to heal me.
This past week I learned the hard way some people do not deserve forgiveness. Problem is, some people do, and you won't know which is which until it is too late. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. If that is true, we should never ever forgive, because chances are someone will make a fool out of you. People are inevitably heartbreakers, disappointments, idiots, abandoners, etc. To spare ourselves it is easier to just never give a second chance.
Absentee Me
(started mid 2009--finished 2010)
Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder
It makes it walk, it makes it wander
The further away you get the more I start to regret
The longer the distance between us
The more I'm thinking "Jesus, what am I doing?"
And we begin un-gluing
The more apart we are the more of your faults I see
And even tolerating you seems like insanity
Get us together and I can't stand the thought of distance
Apart from you I start loving my resistance
The more and more you slip from my head
The more pleasantly surprised I am to find I'm not better off dead
Absence doesn't get you anywhere with me
Just lots of time to realize you were the cause of my ennui
Your silence only breeds my contempt
Thanks for disappearing ; it seems so heaven-sent
For an innumerable amount of days you've been out of sight
Now finally you're out of mind.
Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder
It makes it walk, it makes it wander
The further away you get the more I start to regret
The longer the distance between us
The more I'm thinking "Jesus, what am I doing?"
And we begin un-gluing
The more apart we are the more of your faults I see
And even tolerating you seems like insanity
Get us together and I can't stand the thought of distance
Apart from you I start loving my resistance
The more and more you slip from my head
The more pleasantly surprised I am to find I'm not better off dead
Absence doesn't get you anywhere with me
Just lots of time to realize you were the cause of my ennui
Your silence only breeds my contempt
Thanks for disappearing ; it seems so heaven-sent
For an innumerable amount of days you've been out of sight
Now finally you're out of mind.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Night After Night
Filling my subconscious with dreams of someone else
The lingering memories of you were serenading me to hell
I can't get you out of my heart
because I can't get you out of my head
Expatiating through the nights and days as the living walking dead
Manumit me from the otiose journey
Night after night there are tears and my heart on the gurney
I'm still bleeding with every moment of remembrance
Won't clean the blood droplets sparged along the walls
I leave them there in reverence
Tokens of the passion that once was felt
I am all that remains of the day my world stood still
Turning to ashes and becoming more brittle
You've been banished to the adust barren landscapes of my psyche
Only to sail back across the uncharted shark-filled waters of my memory
Razor wire once more slices into my brain so violently
What brings you to the City of the Dead?
The lingering memories of you were serenading me to hell
I can't get you out of my heart
because I can't get you out of my head
Expatiating through the nights and days as the living walking dead
Manumit me from the otiose journey
Night after night there are tears and my heart on the gurney
I'm still bleeding with every moment of remembrance
Won't clean the blood droplets sparged along the walls
I leave them there in reverence
Tokens of the passion that once was felt
I am all that remains of the day my world stood still
Turning to ashes and becoming more brittle
You've been banished to the adust barren landscapes of my psyche
Only to sail back across the uncharted shark-filled waters of my memory
Razor wire once more slices into my brain so violently
What brings you to the City of the Dead?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Toxicity of Shandra Jade
I don't fully blame myself, per-say. I can't really. It was well inured in me from a young age to only watch out for myself. I was taught from almost the get-go that the only one fully watching out for me was in fact, me. Read my previous writing about my dad. And know that I was treated by my father in a completely different way than my brother and sister were. Not even an equal offering of abuse to bond us siblings together. I was singled out, which just makes me feel more independent, more alone, more solitary.
I used to go around blaming everyone else for not being in my life for very long. It seemed I would have one "bff" at a time, some lasting as long as 2 years, but never more. One at a time each person would do something that would piss me off, or in a small way hurt my feelings, and as a result I would completely eradicate them from my life. I looked at it then as doing myself a favor: if they weren't going to be a perfect friend, then why have them in my life at all?
Looking back on those people now I know I made a lot of mistakes and missed out on keeping some great people in my life. I was in a sense looking for perfection, which is impossible. But really, I was just getting rid of people who hurt me in little ways because I wasn't about to ever let them hurt me in a big way. I don't regret any of those decisions, really, because I just DON'T. But I do look at them as several examples, and learning experiences, of what I do wrong, again and again.
On the other hand there are all the relationships where I have been the evil-doer, the betrayer, the one who hurts. Because I am so independent and feel like such a lone creature, I feel I have no real loyalties to anyone and this leaves me prone to hurting, abandoning, and flying far away before, again, I let a person in too close. I am a jerk, and a selfish asshole. I do things for me and no one else, unfortunately. I try to break my patterns but sometimes I fear they are unbreakable, symptoms from the life I have led thus far.
There comes a time in the life of every abused child that they have to become an adult and take responsibility for their own actions. I know they are plenty of ever-so-Freudian explanations for my outlook on the world and my interactions with people in it, but I also know that I am the only one who can shape my future and decide who I will be.
No one hurts me. I stopped letting anyone else hurt me at about 14. I stopped letting anyone in enough to hurt me as a survival instinct. I learned not to rely on ANYONE around me because NO one has every had my back. I have me, I have me, I have nothing and no one but me.
I see myself repeating the same patterns over and over. The scariest part is I still do not care. I could do away with every single person in my life, save for one (my brother, whom I practically raised) , and I know I would be just fine in the long run, albeit sad or lonely depending on the person. I fear now I will never change, that these qualities are now too tightly woven into the fabric of my being. Which is why I warn all to not get too close to me, not get to used to me being around. Never rely on me. I am always on the brink of running away. It can be months, it can be years, but I'll be gone in an instant in a puff of smoke leaving nothing in my wake.
No one has lasted in my life.
No one.
My heart was broken once. I broke it myself. The one person who just about got in, I got rid of, as usual. Every day since I hate myself a little for hurting the one person I have ever loved, but mostly for taking from myself someone very important. But I guess it gives me a little hope...that someone was almost there. Someone had their hand on the knob of the door and I was just about to unlock the deadbolt and not only let them in, but welcome them in.
If it almost happened once, I guess maybe it could happen again.
I used to go around blaming everyone else for not being in my life for very long. It seemed I would have one "bff" at a time, some lasting as long as 2 years, but never more. One at a time each person would do something that would piss me off, or in a small way hurt my feelings, and as a result I would completely eradicate them from my life. I looked at it then as doing myself a favor: if they weren't going to be a perfect friend, then why have them in my life at all?
Looking back on those people now I know I made a lot of mistakes and missed out on keeping some great people in my life. I was in a sense looking for perfection, which is impossible. But really, I was just getting rid of people who hurt me in little ways because I wasn't about to ever let them hurt me in a big way. I don't regret any of those decisions, really, because I just DON'T. But I do look at them as several examples, and learning experiences, of what I do wrong, again and again.
On the other hand there are all the relationships where I have been the evil-doer, the betrayer, the one who hurts. Because I am so independent and feel like such a lone creature, I feel I have no real loyalties to anyone and this leaves me prone to hurting, abandoning, and flying far away before, again, I let a person in too close. I am a jerk, and a selfish asshole. I do things for me and no one else, unfortunately. I try to break my patterns but sometimes I fear they are unbreakable, symptoms from the life I have led thus far.
There comes a time in the life of every abused child that they have to become an adult and take responsibility for their own actions. I know they are plenty of ever-so-Freudian explanations for my outlook on the world and my interactions with people in it, but I also know that I am the only one who can shape my future and decide who I will be.
No one hurts me. I stopped letting anyone else hurt me at about 14. I stopped letting anyone in enough to hurt me as a survival instinct. I learned not to rely on ANYONE around me because NO one has every had my back. I have me, I have me, I have nothing and no one but me.
I see myself repeating the same patterns over and over. The scariest part is I still do not care. I could do away with every single person in my life, save for one (my brother, whom I practically raised) , and I know I would be just fine in the long run, albeit sad or lonely depending on the person. I fear now I will never change, that these qualities are now too tightly woven into the fabric of my being. Which is why I warn all to not get too close to me, not get to used to me being around. Never rely on me. I am always on the brink of running away. It can be months, it can be years, but I'll be gone in an instant in a puff of smoke leaving nothing in my wake.
No one has lasted in my life.
No one.
My heart was broken once. I broke it myself. The one person who just about got in, I got rid of, as usual. Every day since I hate myself a little for hurting the one person I have ever loved, but mostly for taking from myself someone very important. But I guess it gives me a little hope...that someone was almost there. Someone had their hand on the knob of the door and I was just about to unlock the deadbolt and not only let them in, but welcome them in.
If it almost happened once, I guess maybe it could happen again.
Weight of Regret
(January 09)
Eyelashes laden with the salt from my tears
I can't seem to lift my weighted eyelids
Last night seemed like years
The night before saw every fear come true
All I wanted was you
Instead I decided to drop everything and walk away
That was my biggest mistake
Now the days pass by and it's been a week
I thought I was being strong,
But maybe as usual I was weak
Taking the easy way out, saying goodbye
Never before has it wreaked such havoc on my insides
What was I thinking when I tried to stop thinking of you
How did I think I could escape it, when my life is so imbued
I regret every bit of it, so can I take it back
Can't I please make you laugh again
Why didn't somebody stop me
Tell me I was wrong, so wrong
I decided to no longer know you
Seemed like such a good idea at the time
I've taught myself that even my iron heart is the shattering kind
Eyelashes laden with the salt from my tears
I can't seem to lift my weighted eyelids
Last night seemed like years
The night before saw every fear come true
All I wanted was you
Instead I decided to drop everything and walk away
That was my biggest mistake
Now the days pass by and it's been a week
I thought I was being strong,
But maybe as usual I was weak
Taking the easy way out, saying goodbye
Never before has it wreaked such havoc on my insides
What was I thinking when I tried to stop thinking of you
How did I think I could escape it, when my life is so imbued
I regret every bit of it, so can I take it back
Can't I please make you laugh again
Why didn't somebody stop me
Tell me I was wrong, so wrong
I decided to no longer know you
Seemed like such a good idea at the time
I've taught myself that even my iron heart is the shattering kind
Everything
(January/February 09)
You're the glass in my foot,
And the metal plate in my head.
You're the hangnail on my finger,
And the words I never said.
Yet you're everything to me,
You're just where I want to be.
You're the twisting knife in my side,
And all the pain I tried to hide.
You're the dogeared pages of borrowed text,
And you're the nights I get no rest.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm not blind but I can't see.
You're the stress on my aching heart,
And every day that's just too hard.
You're hero and villain in every bad dream,
And every frustrated despairing scream.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm not trapped but I'm not free.
You're the strangling seizing feeling when I can't get any breath,
And you're the songs that have no depth.
You're a melody that can't be heard,
And every hope and dream deferred.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm locked again without a key.
You're the purple bruise on my shin,
And all the games I cannot win.
You're the scribbled words that can't be read,
And the nights I cry myself to sleep in bed.
Yet you're everything to me,
You taught me to believe...
You're the glass in my foot,
And the metal plate in my head.
You're the hangnail on my finger,
And the words I never said.
Yet you're everything to me,
You're just where I want to be.
You're the twisting knife in my side,
And all the pain I tried to hide.
You're the dogeared pages of borrowed text,
And you're the nights I get no rest.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm not blind but I can't see.
You're the stress on my aching heart,
And every day that's just too hard.
You're hero and villain in every bad dream,
And every frustrated despairing scream.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm not trapped but I'm not free.
You're the strangling seizing feeling when I can't get any breath,
And you're the songs that have no depth.
You're a melody that can't be heard,
And every hope and dream deferred.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm locked again without a key.
You're the purple bruise on my shin,
And all the games I cannot win.
You're the scribbled words that can't be read,
And the nights I cry myself to sleep in bed.
Yet you're everything to me,
You taught me to believe...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Beautiful Memories
(I wrote this a few years ago...)
I remember when I said I hated my sister and wished she was dead.
At eleven you think you mean such frustrated outpourings of your heart.
One morning I was called into your cold dark room--
the lights were always dim and the air was always damp and cool--
I went in that room a soft age of eleven and left a different person.
Still in pajamas, a little girl, I was handcuffed.
Real, heavy, policeman handcuffs--the good stuff.
I was forced to watch video from the holocaust, hours of it.
Naked bodies heaped onto carts and burned,
silent gray films of real horror.
If I looked down or away for even a moment there would be physical hell to pay.
I remember it was almost Christmas.
I remember so many impacts of leather to skin,
just for a five year old's fibbing.
Kindergarten?
Not today--wait until the hand prints on your body go away.
I remember when I heard you died.
Yes I cried, but that wasn't sorrow.
It was relief and the unburdening of fear from my weighted down shoulders.
Those tears were nothing but the release of fear--you really weren't coming back this time.
How perfect it was New Years Day.
From that day on, the nightmares went away.
I remember always wanting to love you and to have you love me in return.
I remember not wanting to fear you.
I remember not wanting to tremble in your presence.
I remember that day in junior high, the first week of eighth grade.
No one came to pick me up from school because you were in the hospital.
I just didn't know it yet.
Tried to kill yourself again supposedly and failed once more.
Never did see you again, thank god for that.
I remember calling home that day
because no one was there.
I didn't know why, or where to go.
Grandma picked up the phone and I could hear my sister's screams
as she went in the backyard and saw every piece
of our broken life
you had somewhat symbolically smashed to pieces and left there,
tombstone shards of glass and splinters of wood.
I remember when you were locked away
all the nightmares I had day after day.
You'd come back before
just when I'd think I was safe and you were gone.
Thanks mom.
I remember suicide attempt number 63.
You stabbed yourself and left it for anyone to see.
Everyone whispered to keep it from us, but we ALL heard.
You weren't trying to hide it anyway.
I remember when you came into our room,
a shell of the scary being we knew you to be.
You said things were going to change.
You blamed mom for everything you could
but said she told you things had to change or else.
Two little girls sat on their bed entranced and trapped
as you relayed the whole suicidal sickness and waited for the perfect moment.
Then when the timing was just right you brought out the knife from behind your back
and told us how you stabbed yourself with it
and lay in your bed waiting to die.
It was days later and you hadn't even washed the dried cakey blood from the blade.
I remember when you said if you were to kill yourself you'd be one of those parents that took the whole family with you.
Then you kept trying to kill yourself...
I remember when you would tell me you were going to put my cat out to play on the freeway.
And then you would laugh.
I remember day after day trying to hide your prescription drugs so you wouldn't take more then you were supposed to.
If you couldn't find where mom had hidden them for the time being you tried every trick in the book to get us to find them for you.
Bribery...flattery...those were the worst because it actually seemed like love, you made me think I would be helping you.
I remember it was actually easier to hear the name calling and the threats that you would put me out on the streets at ten years old if I didn't find your pills...
because at least then it was easy to hate you
and I didn't want you to have what you so wanted.
I remember being scared on so many days that we would be walking in on a dead body when we opened the front door.
I remember when no one could wake you up.
We tried and tried and tried.
I remember falling asleep on the couch--
waking up at one thirty in the morning when the firemen were in the house
waiting for the ambulance to come take you away,
overdosed again.
I remember when you would do so much speed that you would
stay awake for days at a time.
You were actually at your best then,
I looked forward to that.
I remember how you really started to go to a horrible place
when you started hitting Jake in the head and face
with the metal part of his leash.
Just because YOU hadn't taken the time to house train him.
I remember once you were gone in the mental hospital
and we couldn't find a place to live.
We were almost in a homeless shelter so we had to give Jake back to the lady who had "rescued" him.
I remember so vividly the call days later...
She had to have him put to sleep because he would attack any man that came near him.
Funny how the only man he was around was you.
He wasn't even a year old.
I remember that night.
I think you knew then, that your whole life had fallen apart.
That night you broke my heart.
I was an adult and you were a child.
I held your hand for hours while you cried and cried.
Finally you just tired out.
I'm sorry your life didn't work out.
I remember so much and yet so little.
it comes in streams and sometimes just trickles.
Goodbye
(December 2008)
Not so long ago you said "You can tell me anything"
Can I look you in the eyes, can I say "goodbye"?
I can't be a part of your life anymore, I need to explore.
Find a "me" that is without you,
An existence all my own.
I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.
If I move too quickly I'll break into pieces.
I'm functioning on auto-pilot and living in a fog.
I can't believe it's come to this.
I'm so used to saying goodbye.
But this time for once it's just not easy.
I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.
We were at the center of the earth, and now we're where the sidewalk ends.
How the hell did we get here, how did it come to this?
There is nowhere left to go,
And nothing left to do but let go.
I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.
When you told me I could tell you anything, I know you never thought it would be "goodbye".
I would have never bet that every thought of you could make me cry.
I've thrown away a friendship, all the memories we forged.
I've just got to keep on going, though my life is so engorged
In this all consuming, suffocating regret.
Indeed, I fatally said goodbye,
I didn't mean it.
Not so long ago you said "You can tell me anything"
Can I look you in the eyes, can I say "goodbye"?
I can't be a part of your life anymore, I need to explore.
Find a "me" that is without you,
An existence all my own.
I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.
If I move too quickly I'll break into pieces.
I'm functioning on auto-pilot and living in a fog.
I can't believe it's come to this.
I'm so used to saying goodbye.
But this time for once it's just not easy.
I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.
We were at the center of the earth, and now we're where the sidewalk ends.
How the hell did we get here, how did it come to this?
There is nowhere left to go,
And nothing left to do but let go.
I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.
When you told me I could tell you anything, I know you never thought it would be "goodbye".
I would have never bet that every thought of you could make me cry.
I've thrown away a friendship, all the memories we forged.
I've just got to keep on going, though my life is so engorged
In this all consuming, suffocating regret.
Indeed, I fatally said goodbye,
I didn't mean it.
Home Improvement
(January 2009)
I'm locking the doors, please throw away your key.
I've sealed up the windows, to keep you from me.
I can't take not knowing, this pain in my chest.
I can't handle this heartache, or fear of regret.
Just tell me that you love me, that's all I want to hear.
Nothing will be easier but at least we'll have us clear.
I don't mind some confusion if our hearts are set in place.
What I can't take is all of this unknowing staring me squarely in the face.
It seems that you and I have reached an impasse.
You may be losing it, maybe you've peaked in interest.
Now here I am ready, willing, and waiting for more.
I couldn't tell you that before, and now I've ruined everything.
I thought you were different, I thought I could change.
I was wrong from the beginning-you're on a different page.
We cannot keep playing these childish games.
But I can't go on living as though everything is the same.
Just tell me that you love me, that's all I want to hear.
Nothing will be easier but at least we'll have us clear.
I don't mind some confusion if our hearts are set in place.
What I can't take is all of this unknowing staring me squarely in the face.
It seems that you and I have reached an impasse.
You may be losing it, maybe you've peaked in interest.
Now here I am ready, willing, and waiting for more.
I couldn't tell you that before, and now I've ruined everything.
I've stuffed up the chimney, with mortar and brick.
I smashes all of the mirrors; I'm making me sick.
I'm taking your paintings off of my walls.
I'm cutting the wires, don't return my calls.
There won't be an answer.
I'm locking the doors, please throw away your key.
I've sealed up the windows, to keep you from me.
I can't take not knowing, this pain in my chest.
I can't handle this heartache, or fear of regret.
Just tell me that you love me, that's all I want to hear.
Nothing will be easier but at least we'll have us clear.
I don't mind some confusion if our hearts are set in place.
What I can't take is all of this unknowing staring me squarely in the face.
It seems that you and I have reached an impasse.
You may be losing it, maybe you've peaked in interest.
Now here I am ready, willing, and waiting for more.
I couldn't tell you that before, and now I've ruined everything.
I thought you were different, I thought I could change.
I was wrong from the beginning-you're on a different page.
We cannot keep playing these childish games.
But I can't go on living as though everything is the same.
Just tell me that you love me, that's all I want to hear.
Nothing will be easier but at least we'll have us clear.
I don't mind some confusion if our hearts are set in place.
What I can't take is all of this unknowing staring me squarely in the face.
It seems that you and I have reached an impasse.
You may be losing it, maybe you've peaked in interest.
Now here I am ready, willing, and waiting for more.
I couldn't tell you that before, and now I've ruined everything.
I've stuffed up the chimney, with mortar and brick.
I smashes all of the mirrors; I'm making me sick.
I'm taking your paintings off of my walls.
I'm cutting the wires, don't return my calls.
There won't be an answer.
.
"...Not every smile
means I'm laughing inside..."
I have trapped myself.
No one takes me seriously.
They think I am incapable of being sensitive, of being sad, of letting things get me down.
I make a lot of jokes. That doesn't mean that is all I do.
Even us clowns get sad sometimes.
We may paint our faces with smiles, but there are tears in our eyes.
I have heard from a few people lately that they wouldn't think of me as ever being sad or sensitive.
I have no one to blame but myself because that is all I let most people see.
But it's starting to wear on me that no one except my absolute closest friends can even SENSE that side of me.
The eternal optimist comedian doesn't stop talking to everyone they know for a month and keep their phone off for 2 weeks straight because they are always in a good mood.
In fact, it's probably the opposite.
That was a good month, back in February.
I ache to do that again, go into hermit mode as Irene calls it.
Have more time where I need no one and nothing and can marinate in introspection. I have had too much to do lately. I haven't had a free block of time in which to disappear into in a very long while. Because when I go, I go full-force into self-made oblivion, and it gets very hard to come back out.
Apparently no one is important enough, or matters enough, for me to not become a ghost to them. The one I thought could keep me grounded was disposed of, even though it almost killed me to do it. But I got away nonetheless. No one get's in, truly. Realize it. Accept it. You're better off understanding me and knowing I could be gone in an instant at any time so you're better prepared for when it happens.
All my relationships come with expiration dates. Some stay fresh longer than others.
But they all rot after a year or 2.
This has been the most emotional year of my life, and I have a lot of words to show for it.
Page upon page of emotion that I have written down as proof that I have actual feelings and am not made of stone.
I have changed so much this year, and learned an incredibly amount about myself. To know me a year ago is to have known a completely different person.
Hopefully in another year I will be even more of a stranger to who I used to be.
means I'm laughing inside..."
I have trapped myself.
No one takes me seriously.
They think I am incapable of being sensitive, of being sad, of letting things get me down.
I make a lot of jokes. That doesn't mean that is all I do.
Even us clowns get sad sometimes.
We may paint our faces with smiles, but there are tears in our eyes.
I have heard from a few people lately that they wouldn't think of me as ever being sad or sensitive.
I have no one to blame but myself because that is all I let most people see.
But it's starting to wear on me that no one except my absolute closest friends can even SENSE that side of me.
The eternal optimist comedian doesn't stop talking to everyone they know for a month and keep their phone off for 2 weeks straight because they are always in a good mood.
In fact, it's probably the opposite.
That was a good month, back in February.
I ache to do that again, go into hermit mode as Irene calls it.
Have more time where I need no one and nothing and can marinate in introspection. I have had too much to do lately. I haven't had a free block of time in which to disappear into in a very long while. Because when I go, I go full-force into self-made oblivion, and it gets very hard to come back out.
Apparently no one is important enough, or matters enough, for me to not become a ghost to them. The one I thought could keep me grounded was disposed of, even though it almost killed me to do it. But I got away nonetheless. No one get's in, truly. Realize it. Accept it. You're better off understanding me and knowing I could be gone in an instant at any time so you're better prepared for when it happens.
All my relationships come with expiration dates. Some stay fresh longer than others.
But they all rot after a year or 2.
This has been the most emotional year of my life, and I have a lot of words to show for it.
Page upon page of emotion that I have written down as proof that I have actual feelings and am not made of stone.
I have changed so much this year, and learned an incredibly amount about myself. To know me a year ago is to have known a completely different person.
Hopefully in another year I will be even more of a stranger to who I used to be.
My Fallen Hero
(April 09)
We've come a long way, though our path seemed short
You were someone I looked up to; inspiration of a sort
For years you seemed so perfectly out of reach
A flame upon the stage, burning blue and bright
Demanding attention from the gallery, sparkling in the light
I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero
Then you were standing next to me, our paths verged side by side
I began to see what gears made you tick,
And what wheels made you unwind
I could search behind my eyes and two of you I'd find
One whom I knew as a troubled friend, and the other whom I still held high
I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero
Now we've come to the fork in the road, we each took different routes
Yours seems a downhill battle, an obstacle of weeds and roots
I found the pedestal I'd kept you on, shattered into bits
Soaking in whiskey and obstination
Destroyed in a childish fit
I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero
I sought with quickly fleeting sanity to puzzle it back together
Cutting my hands and slicing my palms, ignoring the storming weather
After an eternity without success I must forge on ahead
Looking once over my shoulder, at porcelain remnants of the dead
Respect and admiration forged such a sticky glue
If only our paths had never met, and I had never gotten to know you.
I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero
We've come a long way, though our path seemed short
You were someone I looked up to; inspiration of a sort
For years you seemed so perfectly out of reach
A flame upon the stage, burning blue and bright
Demanding attention from the gallery, sparkling in the light
I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero
Then you were standing next to me, our paths verged side by side
I began to see what gears made you tick,
And what wheels made you unwind
I could search behind my eyes and two of you I'd find
One whom I knew as a troubled friend, and the other whom I still held high
I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero
Now we've come to the fork in the road, we each took different routes
Yours seems a downhill battle, an obstacle of weeds and roots
I found the pedestal I'd kept you on, shattered into bits
Soaking in whiskey and obstination
Destroyed in a childish fit
I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero
I sought with quickly fleeting sanity to puzzle it back together
Cutting my hands and slicing my palms, ignoring the storming weather
After an eternity without success I must forge on ahead
Looking once over my shoulder, at porcelain remnants of the dead
Respect and admiration forged such a sticky glue
If only our paths had never met, and I had never gotten to know you.
I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero
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