Sunday, December 5, 2010

Questions (since answered)

I wonder...after all this time...after some more years pass before us, and further down the line...will I ever stop missing you? After all the memories fade? And so many new ones made? I wonder...
does this kind of love ever completely fade away? Will I forget all of the good times, and all the ones that caused me pain? Will I pass you on the street and carelessly say hi? Will there come a time when I can look into your eyes and no longer miss you? Will I ever stop missing you? Sometimes I catch a whiff of your cologne, a memory on the breeze, on someone else/s skin, and my heart still skips a beat. Will I always refer back to you no matter who I meet? Will it always feel like swordplay when I think of all the things we'd say? After decades gone by, will I have ever stopped missing you?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Mustache, Oh Mustache

Who can really say when it began? If you want to go Freudian then my mustache obsession was probably imbred in me from the start. My dad had a decent mustache. Nothing to write home about, but certainly respectable. Thing is, I always seemed to loathe his mustache, almost as much as I loathed and despised him.
I do remember seeing my first mustache that sparked something inside me. It was 2002, and I was 16. Sitting in a dark theater watching "Gangs of New York", I could barely keep myself from jumping out of my seat and licking the screen. But it wasn't until years later that I could put my finger on exactly what it was that I found so irresistible. It wasn't the glass eye that he taps his knife on. It couldn't be the greasy hair, the willingness to kill in cold blood that could draw a young girl in in such a way. Oh Bill the Butcher, if only you were real.

No. It was the stache. Thick, black, and perfect. To think of it now is to think of a youthful crush that one will never forget. God damn. It's just SO FUCKING HOT.

Nowadays mustaches and the women that love them have become quite the trend. I recall that relatively recently a mustache was something special, something rare. You had to search for the kind of person that could really respect and admire a good mustache and all that went into it. Now they are all the rage, and just like Hello Kitty, tu-tu's, flannel shirts and every other trendy fave before it, "everyone is doing it." Stick on staches, mustache emblazoned T-shirts, plugs, septum rings for a glass stache--the country's obsession can be fueled by more and more merchandise.
These people, they are not true fans, lovers, etc. Mustaches are cool right now, they are "in", they are "hip". When everyone loves a mustache, no one can truly love a mustache. It's only a matter of time. What is popular will always quickly fade and burn-out, making way for something new to take-over.

Me? I am just biding my time. Waiting until like every craze before it, the masses lose interest. Then the true mustache fetishists will regain our footing, take back our turf, and rise again.

I leave you with this, still my favorite stache, still does it for me...every...time.

Monday, April 5, 2010

And now for something completely different

A year and a half ago I fell in love with my best friend. So I told him I couldn't speak to him again. I spent 6 months blaming him for not fighting for me. I spent another 6 months blaming myself for not fighting for him. Now I can see--it was the best thing I ever did. Hindsight is clearer than 20/20, it's 20/10. Sometimes it takes a while, but when the blinders fall away, you'll know.
I couldn't accept how we felt about each other then. It's a wonder that I couldn't see, with all the signs in front of me, lighting the way down the road. I didn't know.

I am over the moon to know in my heart that I am finally moving on. I know I will always love him, and I hope we know each other for the whole of our lives. But I am finally no longer in love. The man I loved I no longer know. We are currently strangers, and I find myself in love with our memories, but knowing I have changed so much that I couldn't be the person again I was when we were friends.

I spent such a good portion of this time period full of regret. I can't even feel that anymore. I learned so much from my mistakes, OUR mistakes, and I know I will NEVER repeat them. I will never again walk away out of fear. I know now the pain I can inflict. And most importantly, I have learned from all of this that not only is love real, but I can feel it, and I can feel it to such an extent that it almost left me bleeding on the side of the road.

This blog is laden with the songs I have written, words I have thought, the outpourings of my heart, all for this heavy year I sometimes barely got through.
I made it through. I didn't always believe I would. There was a light on the other end of the tunnel I clung too, and as much as it is bittersweet to move on from what moved me, it feels wonderful to be basking in the sunlight I found when I got out.

Deep down, I know this time that I have found the resolution to let the past be past, bygones be bygones, mistakes be lessons, and my heart heal.

Moving on, from here on out.

As Always

Jakob Dylan never ceases to hit the chords in my heart that I try to ignore.

"Smile When You Call Me That"

You're gonna say "I told you so"
I never should have let you go
Ain't it funny that here we are
The two of us in two different bars
In separate cages, dancing slow
We ain't got nobody to call our own
You can always go back home
Well you just might be there alone
Now I'm drunk, and you're insane
I can't quit, and you won't change
Ain't no half-hearted Romeo
Why do you treat me so?
Like our loves a joke
It hurts too much to laugh
Why can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Days are harder than you would believe
Ain't having luck making ends meat
Time and money and luck I need
I'm richer than a poor man should be
Price of admission
Well it's much too steep
For broke uneducated clowns like me
It may be true I was first to leave
But now I'm begging you please
My hearts on my sleeve
And I'm tipping my hat
So can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Not much is certain
But this much is true
My arms are useless if they don't have you
They hang around me with nothing to do
I'm hoping you and yours are lonesome too
Neon buzzing, and here I am
Last one standing, last call again
While you're unfolding in a stranger's hands
I'll drink up and be somebody's man
Angels can walk
I've seen it before
They turn handles, they open doors
They act like devils, now you've been warned
They vanish when love is war
I'm down on my knees
And you won't have me back
Why can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
I'm down on my knees
And you won't have me back
But can't you at least smile
When you call me that?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Nostalgic Consequences

No time for the actions of a baby
Gotta take big steps backwards to where we were happy
We've settled the score with what you were searching for
And battled compromise all along the way
We're rewinding the tapes and starting over today

You have to cut off excess limbs even to fit in an irregular mold
Never dreaming it was your soul you sold
Little by little, and bit by bit
For a much cheaper price than we would like to admit
Read the fortune on the wall; the one that's making you sick

Fitting feet to cement footprints is only glamourized defeat
So many soldiers marching sideways, gaining nothing; incomplete
We cosmeticize mediocrity, claim to find beauty in the great inane
Nothing but jesters and village idiots dancing here
Winning in the short run, but we all lose the game

Be wary of the patterns; beatific and obscene
Sold yourself out for a face on the screen
Knowing all along it was never going to be the real thing
Because hobbies aren't dreams
Just a picture-within-picture of a much bigger scene

Leave Me Alone

You don't know me
Stop pretending that you do
Your senseless questions Mmake it all the more clear
That we're practically strangers

So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind

You don't know me, I don't like you
Your a clear plastic vessel with not much inside
But pebbles for brains and a watery soul
There's no heart to stem from
And no seeds to grow

So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind

Burns on top of burns
Leave only rancid scars
But you won't learn
I don't want you near me
Why won't you hear me?

So stranger, leave me alone
Get on out of here, this isn't your home
You aren't welcome in this life of mine
Me and you we're just not the friendship kind

It's really not me this time
Once again, it's you
Never really caring,
But you're always over-sharing
Nothing and no one can get through

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I never believed in love, until I fell for you
I thought it just a nice idea believed in by a fool
I know I needed space, I think I needed time
To exculpate my heart, imprisoned by my mind

I didn't tell you when it was most important to
But that didn't mean I wasn't heart-wrenchingly in love with you
I love you now and I loved you then
And I'm not giving up again
I love you now as deeply as I loved you then
And I won't run away again

You said it yourself--that they didn't understand
They didn't understand the connection we had
I underestimated it myself, then I thought it gone
Finding out now it was there all along.

Maybe I didn't tell you when it was most important to
But that didn't mean I wasn't crazy in love with you
I love you now maybe more than I loved you then
I will not give up again.
I love you now maybe deeper than I loved you then
I will not run away again