Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Night After Night

Filling my subconscious with dreams of someone else
The lingering memories of you were serenading me to hell
I can't get you out of my heart
because I can't get you out of my head
Expatiating through the nights and days as the living walking dead

Manumit me from the otiose journey
Night after night there are tears and my heart on the gurney
I'm still bleeding with every moment of remembrance
Won't clean the blood droplets sparged along the walls
I leave them there in reverence
Tokens of the passion that once was felt

I am all that remains of the day my world stood still
Turning to ashes and becoming more brittle
You've been banished to the adust barren landscapes of my psyche
Only to sail back across the uncharted shark-filled waters of my memory
Razor wire once more slices into my brain so violently
What brings you to the City of the Dead?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Toxicity of Shandra Jade

I don't fully blame myself, per-say. I can't really. It was well inured in me from a young age to only watch out for myself. I was taught from almost the get-go that the only one fully watching out for me was in fact, me. Read my previous writing about my dad. And know that I was treated by my father in a completely different way than my brother and sister were. Not even an equal offering of abuse to bond us siblings together. I was singled out, which just makes me feel more independent, more alone, more solitary.

I used to go around blaming everyone else for not being in my life for very long. It seemed I would have one "bff" at a time, some lasting as long as 2 years, but never more. One at a time each person would do something that would piss me off, or in a small way hurt my feelings, and as a result I would completely eradicate them from my life. I looked at it then as doing myself a favor: if they weren't going to be a perfect friend, then why have them in my life at all?
Looking back on those people now I know I made a lot of mistakes and missed out on keeping some great people in my life. I was in a sense looking for perfection, which is impossible. But really, I was just getting rid of people who hurt me in little ways because I wasn't about to ever let them hurt me in a big way. I don't regret any of those decisions, really, because I just DON'T. But I do look at them as several examples, and learning experiences, of what I do wrong, again and again.

On the other hand there are all the relationships where I have been the evil-doer, the betrayer, the one who hurts. Because I am so independent and feel like such a lone creature, I feel I have no real loyalties to anyone and this leaves me prone to hurting, abandoning, and flying far away before, again, I let a person in too close. I am a jerk, and a selfish asshole. I do things for me and no one else, unfortunately. I try to break my patterns but sometimes I fear they are unbreakable, symptoms from the life I have led thus far.

There comes a time in the life of every abused child that they have to become an adult and take responsibility for their own actions. I know they are plenty of ever-so-Freudian explanations for my outlook on the world and my interactions with people in it, but I also know that I am the only one who can shape my future and decide who I will be.

No one hurts me. I stopped letting anyone else hurt me at about 14. I stopped letting anyone in enough to hurt me as a survival instinct. I learned not to rely on ANYONE around me because NO one has every had my back. I have me, I have me, I have nothing and no one but me.

I see myself repeating the same patterns over and over. The scariest part is I still do not care. I could do away with every single person in my life, save for one (my brother, whom I practically raised) , and I know I would be just fine in the long run, albeit sad or lonely depending on the person. I fear now I will never change, that these qualities are now too tightly woven into the fabric of my being. Which is why I warn all to not get too close to me, not get to used to me being around. Never rely on me. I am always on the brink of running away. It can be months, it can be years, but I'll be gone in an instant in a puff of smoke leaving nothing in my wake.

No one has lasted in my life.
No one.

My heart was broken once. I broke it myself. The one person who just about got in, I got rid of, as usual. Every day since I hate myself a little for hurting the one person I have ever loved, but mostly for taking from myself someone very important. But I guess it gives me a little hope...that someone was almost there. Someone had their hand on the knob of the door and I was just about to unlock the deadbolt and not only let them in, but welcome them in.

If it almost happened once, I guess maybe it could happen again.

Weight of Regret

(January 09)

Eyelashes laden with the salt from my tears
I can't seem to lift my weighted eyelids
Last night seemed like years
The night before saw every fear come true
All I wanted was you
Instead I decided to drop everything and walk away
That was my biggest mistake

Now the days pass by and it's been a week
I thought I was being strong,
But maybe as usual I was weak
Taking the easy way out, saying goodbye
Never before has it wreaked such havoc on my insides
What was I thinking when I tried to stop thinking of you
How did I think I could escape it, when my life is so imbued

I regret every bit of it, so can I take it back
Can't I please make you laugh again
Why didn't somebody stop me
Tell me I was wrong, so wrong
I decided to no longer know you
Seemed like such a good idea at the time
I've taught myself that even my iron heart is the shattering kind


(January/February 09)

You're the glass in my foot,
And the metal plate in my head.
You're the hangnail on my finger,
And the words I never said.
Yet you're everything to me,
You're just where I want to be.

You're the twisting knife in my side,
And all the pain I tried to hide.
You're the dogeared pages of borrowed text,
And you're the nights I get no rest.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm not blind but I can't see.

You're the stress on my aching heart,
And every day that's just too hard.
You're hero and villain in every bad dream,
And every frustrated despairing scream.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm not trapped but I'm not free.

You're the strangling seizing feeling when I can't get any breath,
And you're the songs that have no depth.
You're a melody that can't be heard,
And every hope and dream deferred.
Yet you're everything to me,
I'm locked again without a key.

You're the purple bruise on my shin,
And all the games I cannot win.
You're the scribbled words that can't be read,
And the nights I cry myself to sleep in bed.
Yet you're everything to me,
You taught me to believe...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Beautiful Memories

(I wrote this a few years ago...)

I remember when I said I hated my sister and wished she was dead.
At eleven you think you mean such frustrated outpourings of your heart.
One morning I was called into your cold dark room--
the lights were always dim and the air was always damp and cool--
I went in that room a soft age of eleven and left a different person.
Still in pajamas, a little girl, I was handcuffed.
Real, heavy, policeman handcuffs--the good stuff.
I was forced to watch video from the holocaust, hours of it.
Naked bodies heaped onto carts and burned,
silent gray films of real horror.
If I looked down or away for even a moment there would be physical hell to pay.
I remember it was almost Christmas.

I remember so many impacts of leather to skin,
just for a five year old's fibbing.
Not today--wait until the hand prints on your body go away.

I remember when I heard you died.
Yes I cried, but that wasn't sorrow.
It was relief and the unburdening of fear from my weighted down shoulders.
Those tears were nothing but the release of fear--you really weren't coming back this time.
How perfect it was New Years Day.
From that day on, the nightmares went away.

I remember always wanting to love you and to have you love me in return.
I remember not wanting to fear you.
I remember not wanting to tremble in your presence.

I remember that day in junior high, the first week of eighth grade.
No one came to pick me up from school because you were in the hospital.
I just didn't know it yet.
Tried to kill yourself again supposedly and failed once more.
Never did see you again, thank god for that.
I remember calling home that day
because no one was there.
I didn't know why, or where to go.
Grandma picked up the phone and I could hear my sister's screams
as she went in the backyard and saw every piece
of our broken life
you had somewhat symbolically smashed to pieces and left there,
tombstone shards of glass and splinters of wood.

I remember when you were locked away
all the nightmares I had day after day.
You'd come back before
just when I'd think I was safe and you were gone.
Thanks mom.

I remember suicide attempt number 63.
You stabbed yourself and left it for anyone to see.
Everyone whispered to keep it from us, but we ALL heard.
You weren't trying to hide it anyway.
I remember when you came into our room,
a shell of the scary being we knew you to be.
You said things were going to change.
You blamed mom for everything you could
but said she told you things had to change or else.
Two little girls sat on their bed entranced and trapped
as you relayed the whole suicidal sickness and waited for the perfect moment.
Then when the timing was just right you brought out the knife from behind your back
and told us how you stabbed yourself with it
and lay in your bed waiting to die.
It was days later and you hadn't even washed the dried cakey blood from the blade.

I remember when you said if you were to kill yourself you'd be one of those parents that took the whole family with you.
Then you kept trying to kill yourself...

I remember when you would tell me you were going to put my cat out to play on the freeway.
And then you would laugh.

I remember day after day trying to hide your prescription drugs so you wouldn't take more then you were supposed to.
If you couldn't find where mom had hidden them for the time being you tried every trick in the book to get us to find them for you.
Bribery...flattery...those were the worst because it actually seemed like love, you made me think I would be helping you.
I remember it was actually easier to hear the name calling and the threats that you would put me out on the streets at ten years old if I didn't find your pills...
because at least then it was easy to hate you
and I didn't want you to have what you so wanted.

I remember being scared on so many days that we would be walking in on a dead body when we opened the front door.

I remember when no one could wake you up.
We tried and tried and tried.
I remember falling asleep on the couch--
waking up at one thirty in the morning when the firemen were in the house
waiting for the ambulance to come take you away,
overdosed again.

I remember when you would do so much speed that you would
stay awake for days at a time.
You were actually at your best then,
I looked forward to that.

I remember how you really started to go to a horrible place
when you started hitting Jake in the head and face
with the metal part of his leash.
Just because YOU hadn't taken the time to house train him.
I remember once you were gone in the mental hospital
and we couldn't find a place to live.
We were almost in a homeless shelter so we had to give Jake back to the lady who had "rescued" him.
I remember so vividly the call days later...
She had to have him put to sleep because he would attack any man that came near him.
Funny how the only man he was around was you.
He wasn't even a year old.

I remember that night.
I think you knew then, that your whole life had fallen apart.
That night you broke my heart.
I was an adult and you were a child.
I held your hand for hours while you cried and cried.
Finally you just tired out.
I'm sorry your life didn't work out.

I remember so much and yet so little.
it comes in streams and sometimes just trickles.


(December 2008)

Not so long ago you said "You can tell me anything"
Can I look you in the eyes, can I say "goodbye"?
I can't be a part of your life anymore, I need to explore.
Find a "me" that is without you,
An existence all my own.

I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.

If I move too quickly I'll break into pieces.
I'm functioning on auto-pilot and living in a fog.
I can't believe it's come to this.
I'm so used to saying goodbye.
But this time for once it's just not easy.

I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.

We were at the center of the earth, and now we're where the sidewalk ends.
How the hell did we get here, how did it come to this?
There is nowhere left to go,
And nothing left to do but let go.

I'm dead again, but I'm okay.
I'm dead again, but I'll survive.

When you told me I could tell you anything, I know you never thought it would be "goodbye".
I would have never bet that every thought of you could make me cry.
I've thrown away a friendship, all the memories we forged.
I've just got to keep on going, though my life is so engorged
In this all consuming, suffocating regret.
Indeed, I fatally said goodbye,
I didn't mean it.

Home Improvement

(January 2009)

I'm locking the doors, please throw away your key.
I've sealed up the windows, to keep you from me.
I can't take not knowing, this pain in my chest.
I can't handle this heartache, or fear of regret.

Just tell me that you love me, that's all I want to hear.
Nothing will be easier but at least we'll have us clear.
I don't mind some confusion if our hearts are set in place.
What I can't take is all of this unknowing staring me squarely in the face.
It seems that you and I have reached an impasse.
You may be losing it, maybe you've peaked in interest.
Now here I am ready, willing, and waiting for more.
I couldn't tell you that before, and now I've ruined everything.

I thought you were different, I thought I could change.
I was wrong from the beginning-you're on a different page.
We cannot keep playing these childish games.
But I can't go on living as though everything is the same.

Just tell me that you love me, that's all I want to hear.
Nothing will be easier but at least we'll have us clear.
I don't mind some confusion if our hearts are set in place.
What I can't take is all of this unknowing staring me squarely in the face.
It seems that you and I have reached an impasse.
You may be losing it, maybe you've peaked in interest.
Now here I am ready, willing, and waiting for more.
I couldn't tell you that before, and now I've ruined everything.

I've stuffed up the chimney, with mortar and brick.
I smashes all of the mirrors; I'm making me sick.
I'm taking your paintings off of my walls.
I'm cutting the wires, don't return my calls.
There won't be an answer.


"...Not every smile
means I'm laughing inside..."

I have trapped myself.
No one takes me seriously.
They think I am incapable of being sensitive, of being sad, of letting things get me down.
I make a lot of jokes. That doesn't mean that is all I do.
Even us clowns get sad sometimes.
We may paint our faces with smiles, but there are tears in our eyes.

I have heard from a few people lately that they wouldn't think of me as ever being sad or sensitive.
I have no one to blame but myself because that is all I let most people see.
But it's starting to wear on me that no one except my absolute closest friends can even SENSE that side of me.

The eternal optimist comedian doesn't stop talking to everyone they know for a month and keep their phone off for 2 weeks straight because they are always in a good mood.
In fact, it's probably the opposite.

That was a good month, back in February.
I ache to do that again, go into hermit mode as Irene calls it.
Have more time where I need no one and nothing and can marinate in introspection. I have had too much to do lately. I haven't had a free block of time in which to disappear into in a very long while. Because when I go, I go full-force into self-made oblivion, and it gets very hard to come back out.
Apparently no one is important enough, or matters enough, for me to not become a ghost to them. The one I thought could keep me grounded was disposed of, even though it almost killed me to do it. But I got away nonetheless. No one get's in, truly. Realize it. Accept it. You're better off understanding me and knowing I could be gone in an instant at any time so you're better prepared for when it happens.

All my relationships come with expiration dates. Some stay fresh longer than others.
But they all rot after a year or 2.

This has been the most emotional year of my life, and I have a lot of words to show for it.
Page upon page of emotion that I have written down as proof that I have actual feelings and am not made of stone.

I have changed so much this year, and learned an incredibly amount about myself. To know me a year ago is to have known a completely different person.

Hopefully in another year I will be even more of a stranger to who I used to be.

My Fallen Hero

(April 09)

We've come a long way, though our path seemed short
You were someone I looked up to; inspiration of a sort
For years you seemed so perfectly out of reach
A flame upon the stage, burning blue and bright
Demanding attention from the gallery, sparkling in the light

I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero

Then you were standing next to me, our paths verged side by side
I began to see what gears made you tick,
And what wheels made you unwind
I could search behind my eyes and two of you I'd find
One whom I knew as a troubled friend, and the other whom I still held high

I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero

Now we've come to the fork in the road, we each took different routes
Yours seems a downhill battle, an obstacle of weeds and roots
I found the pedestal I'd kept you on, shattered into bits
Soaking in whiskey and obstination
Destroyed in a childish fit

I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero

I sought with quickly fleeting sanity to puzzle it back together
Cutting my hands and slicing my palms, ignoring the storming weather
After an eternity without success I must forge on ahead
Looking once over my shoulder, at porcelain remnants of the dead
Respect and admiration forged such a sticky glue
If only our paths had never met, and I had never gotten to know you.

I wish I had stayed on that side of the wall
Ignorant of all your flaws
I never dreamed I'd end up on this side of the glass
Looking back at you and silently saying goodbye
to my fallen hero