Thursday, January 14, 2010

To try or not to try...

"...There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go

They know your secrets, and you know theirs

This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost

Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause..."

One of my best friends tells me I've gotten soft.
I started to brush the comment off my shoulder but quickly realized it's true.
I've gotten fucking soft. A year ago I would have chalked it up to just another disappointing person who doesn't really disappoint me because I give no one expectations that they can't merely step over. My expectations for people are not the high walls others build for them. I expect very little because I have learned that "very little" is just about what most people will give you in the end.

2009 saw in me many radical changes. For one, in February I "forgave" one of my friends who fucked me over. I even told her at the time that I never forgave people, but after her apologizing for weeks I decided I would give it a try, take a gander at something new.
A week ago this same person told me to lose her number, and to never speak to her again.
I know I did nothing wrong, so that isn't even the issue.
But I have spent the past week in a state of melancholy that is new to me. The problem with letting your walls crumble is that they lose their protective elements. I'm not Hans Christian Anderson's Dutch kid, and I don't have enough fingers to plug all the holes appearing in the dikes. There's a a flood coming in, I want to stop it but am clueless as to how.

I'm still more resilient, cold, and elusive than probably 90 percent of people. But the mere fact that a relationship, friendship, etc can effect me in any way is cause for pause and a need to draw up blueprints to start rebuilding.
I don't like that so many people seem to be getting in. I don't like that anyone can call me "soft" even half-jokingly, because half-joking is still half-true.

I never even liked a guy until a year and a half ago. Then I fell so hard in love that I am still nursing the wounds. Ever since then it seems to be a downhill slope, and the shoes I'm wearing have no traction. I keep slipping, and sometimes falling. If this keeps up I will be just like the rest, constantly injured and waiting for the next to heal me.

This past week I learned the hard way some people do not deserve forgiveness. Problem is, some people do, and you won't know which is which until it is too late. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. If that is true, we should never ever forgive, because chances are someone will make a fool out of you. People are inevitably heartbreakers, disappointments, idiots, abandoners, etc. To spare ourselves it is easier to just never give a second chance.