Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Toxicity of Shandra Jade

I don't fully blame myself, per-say. I can't really. It was well inured in me from a young age to only watch out for myself. I was taught from almost the get-go that the only one fully watching out for me was in fact, me. Read my previous writing about my dad. And know that I was treated by my father in a completely different way than my brother and sister were. Not even an equal offering of abuse to bond us siblings together. I was singled out, which just makes me feel more independent, more alone, more solitary.

I used to go around blaming everyone else for not being in my life for very long. It seemed I would have one "bff" at a time, some lasting as long as 2 years, but never more. One at a time each person would do something that would piss me off, or in a small way hurt my feelings, and as a result I would completely eradicate them from my life. I looked at it then as doing myself a favor: if they weren't going to be a perfect friend, then why have them in my life at all?
Looking back on those people now I know I made a lot of mistakes and missed out on keeping some great people in my life. I was in a sense looking for perfection, which is impossible. But really, I was just getting rid of people who hurt me in little ways because I wasn't about to ever let them hurt me in a big way. I don't regret any of those decisions, really, because I just DON'T. But I do look at them as several examples, and learning experiences, of what I do wrong, again and again.

On the other hand there are all the relationships where I have been the evil-doer, the betrayer, the one who hurts. Because I am so independent and feel like such a lone creature, I feel I have no real loyalties to anyone and this leaves me prone to hurting, abandoning, and flying far away before, again, I let a person in too close. I am a jerk, and a selfish asshole. I do things for me and no one else, unfortunately. I try to break my patterns but sometimes I fear they are unbreakable, symptoms from the life I have led thus far.

There comes a time in the life of every abused child that they have to become an adult and take responsibility for their own actions. I know they are plenty of ever-so-Freudian explanations for my outlook on the world and my interactions with people in it, but I also know that I am the only one who can shape my future and decide who I will be.

No one hurts me. I stopped letting anyone else hurt me at about 14. I stopped letting anyone in enough to hurt me as a survival instinct. I learned not to rely on ANYONE around me because NO one has every had my back. I have me, I have me, I have nothing and no one but me.

I see myself repeating the same patterns over and over. The scariest part is I still do not care. I could do away with every single person in my life, save for one (my brother, whom I practically raised) , and I know I would be just fine in the long run, albeit sad or lonely depending on the person. I fear now I will never change, that these qualities are now too tightly woven into the fabric of my being. Which is why I warn all to not get too close to me, not get to used to me being around. Never rely on me. I am always on the brink of running away. It can be months, it can be years, but I'll be gone in an instant in a puff of smoke leaving nothing in my wake.

No one has lasted in my life.
No one.

My heart was broken once. I broke it myself. The one person who just about got in, I got rid of, as usual. Every day since I hate myself a little for hurting the one person I have ever loved, but mostly for taking from myself someone very important. But I guess it gives me a little hope...that someone was almost there. Someone had their hand on the knob of the door and I was just about to unlock the deadbolt and not only let them in, but welcome them in.

If it almost happened once, I guess maybe it could happen again.