Monday, April 5, 2010

And now for something completely different

A year and a half ago I fell in love with my best friend. So I told him I couldn't speak to him again. I spent 6 months blaming him for not fighting for me. I spent another 6 months blaming myself for not fighting for him. Now I can see--it was the best thing I ever did. Hindsight is clearer than 20/20, it's 20/10. Sometimes it takes a while, but when the blinders fall away, you'll know.
I couldn't accept how we felt about each other then. It's a wonder that I couldn't see, with all the signs in front of me, lighting the way down the road. I didn't know.

I am over the moon to know in my heart that I am finally moving on. I know I will always love him, and I hope we know each other for the whole of our lives. But I am finally no longer in love. The man I loved I no longer know. We are currently strangers, and I find myself in love with our memories, but knowing I have changed so much that I couldn't be the person again I was when we were friends.

I spent such a good portion of this time period full of regret. I can't even feel that anymore. I learned so much from my mistakes, OUR mistakes, and I know I will NEVER repeat them. I will never again walk away out of fear. I know now the pain I can inflict. And most importantly, I have learned from all of this that not only is love real, but I can feel it, and I can feel it to such an extent that it almost left me bleeding on the side of the road.

This blog is laden with the songs I have written, words I have thought, the outpourings of my heart, all for this heavy year I sometimes barely got through.
I made it through. I didn't always believe I would. There was a light on the other end of the tunnel I clung too, and as much as it is bittersweet to move on from what moved me, it feels wonderful to be basking in the sunlight I found when I got out.

Deep down, I know this time that I have found the resolution to let the past be past, bygones be bygones, mistakes be lessons, and my heart heal.

Moving on, from here on out.

As Always

Jakob Dylan never ceases to hit the chords in my heart that I try to ignore.

"Smile When You Call Me That"

You're gonna say "I told you so"
I never should have let you go
Ain't it funny that here we are
The two of us in two different bars
In separate cages, dancing slow
We ain't got nobody to call our own
You can always go back home
Well you just might be there alone
Now I'm drunk, and you're insane
I can't quit, and you won't change
Ain't no half-hearted Romeo
Why do you treat me so?
Like our loves a joke
It hurts too much to laugh
Why can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Days are harder than you would believe
Ain't having luck making ends meat
Time and money and luck I need
I'm richer than a poor man should be
Price of admission
Well it's much too steep
For broke uneducated clowns like me
It may be true I was first to leave
But now I'm begging you please
My hearts on my sleeve
And I'm tipping my hat
So can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
Not much is certain
But this much is true
My arms are useless if they don't have you
They hang around me with nothing to do
I'm hoping you and yours are lonesome too
Neon buzzing, and here I am
Last one standing, last call again
While you're unfolding in a stranger's hands
I'll drink up and be somebody's man
Angels can walk
I've seen it before
They turn handles, they open doors
They act like devils, now you've been warned
They vanish when love is war
I'm down on my knees
And you won't have me back
Why can't you at least smile
When you call me that?
I'm down on my knees
And you won't have me back
But can't you at least smile
When you call me that?