Monday, April 5, 2010

And now for something completely different

A year and a half ago I fell in love with my best friend. So I told him I couldn't speak to him again. I spent 6 months blaming him for not fighting for me. I spent another 6 months blaming myself for not fighting for him. Now I can see--it was the best thing I ever did. Hindsight is clearer than 20/20, it's 20/10. Sometimes it takes a while, but when the blinders fall away, you'll know.
I couldn't accept how we felt about each other then. It's a wonder that I couldn't see, with all the signs in front of me, lighting the way down the road. I didn't know.

I am over the moon to know in my heart that I am finally moving on. I know I will always love him, and I hope we know each other for the whole of our lives. But I am finally no longer in love. The man I loved I no longer know. We are currently strangers, and I find myself in love with our memories, but knowing I have changed so much that I couldn't be the person again I was when we were friends.

I spent such a good portion of this time period full of regret. I can't even feel that anymore. I learned so much from my mistakes, OUR mistakes, and I know I will NEVER repeat them. I will never again walk away out of fear. I know now the pain I can inflict. And most importantly, I have learned from all of this that not only is love real, but I can feel it, and I can feel it to such an extent that it almost left me bleeding on the side of the road.

This blog is laden with the songs I have written, words I have thought, the outpourings of my heart, all for this heavy year I sometimes barely got through.
I made it through. I didn't always believe I would. There was a light on the other end of the tunnel I clung too, and as much as it is bittersweet to move on from what moved me, it feels wonderful to be basking in the sunlight I found when I got out.

Deep down, I know this time that I have found the resolution to let the past be past, bygones be bygones, mistakes be lessons, and my heart heal.

Moving on, from here on out.