This city is killing me...

"...Come on, come on
It's a heartless beating
The sun is burning down Los Angeles..."

Gas to Los Angeles (roundtrip) in a gas-guzzling Cadillac: 12 dollars
Entry into venue: 8 to 20 dollars
PARKING: 10, 15, or more dollars
The Knowledge that most of the time you paid more just to park than even to GO to the show: DEFINITELY NOT PRICELESS.



I often find myself wondering why people don't support live music. Maybe because to do so costs a small fortune.
When you have to pay 10, 15, sometimes even 20 dollars just to park, that adds a rather hefty sum to the total cost of an evening out. Even I find myself more hesitant to go to a show in LA not JUST because of the gas it costs me, but because 9 times out of 10 I have to factor in the cost of parking.

Now to make things even more difficult on us, LA has changed their metered parking system, including the hours that the regulations are enforced. No more 8am to 6pm 3 hour parking. No more free nighttimes if you're lucky enough to find an empty metered spot. Hell, now with the numbered-slot pay-at-machine system you can't even get lucky and find the broken i.e. FREE meters.
No. In some sort of Mafia conspiracy to get us in to what I THOUGHT were privately-owned pay lots, every inch of Hollywood Blvd and surrounding side streets have become mostly ONE HOUR (with a rare block or two of 2-hour) parking. You used to be able to sacrifice your stiletto-wearing feet and park a few blocks from your destination for the sake of free or at least cheaper parking. NOPE. Los Angeles has seen to that. Check and MATE. They got us. We're screwed. Either you spend one hour wherever you are going or you pony up and fork over the dough for a lot. And on Friday and Saturday nights the farther and cheaper lots fill up and you're stuck with the 15 dollar ones.

You win this round LA. But you're only hurting yourself in the end. Masochist City.

Obligatory "What I Am Thankful For" Post

I am thankful for C.C. DeVille
I am thankful for my best girlfriends--Debbi, Irene, and Liz.
I am thankful for my best friend, the other half of my brain--my brother
I am thankful for warm, windy, days and the fact we have them here even in November and
December when the rest of the country is enfolded in snow.
I am thankful for The Viper Room and all my dudes there--Miguel, Joseph, Dave, and now Skye!
I am thankful for Los Angeles and it's incredible music community. From what I have
experienced and hear, there is nothing like it anywhere else, and that is what will keep my feet
planted here for eternity.
I am thankful for beautiful hindsight.
I am thankful for second, third, and fourth chances.
I am thankful for my cat.
I am thankful for Forever 21.
I am thankful for glitter, rhinestones, sequins, and sparkles.
I am thankful for blue skies and cottony-looking clouds.
I am thankful for words and the powers they contain.
I am thankful for my community of friends, and people I work with and their talent.
I am thankful that I found one form of art I am actually really good at.
I am thankful for my new puppies.
I am thankful for learning this year that I can love someone.
I am thankful for learning this year that I actually hurt a lot of people, not the other way around.
I am thankful for finally finding the guts to get one of my best friends and the person I love back
in my life.
I am thankful for Semi Precious Weapons, The Ringers, Red Cortez, and the other bands that
have made this year extra amazing.
I am thankful that finally Prima Donna is getting some of the attention they deserve, even
though I can't be there for them how I want to be, and tell them how proud I am.
I am thankful for roadtrips.
I am thankful for the price of cookies in Utah.
I am thankful for KaiKhaod, aka Kailyns Kreations and her makeup prowess on youtube.
I am thankful for Cole Whittle and his mission to make me not shy. It worked. Somehow, it
worked.
I am thankful that even though I've lost a lot of weight this year, my boobs have gotten bigger.
Who needs a boob job?
I am thankful for finally rectifying my fuckups and being big enough to apologize to my friends
and former friends I've abandoned.
I am thankful for KTP. As much as I miss him, every day.
I am thankful for gaining the knowledge that Boise, Idaho fucking sucks.
I am thankful for leggings.
I am thankful for the confidence I have gained.
I am thankful for weeding out the assholes.
I am thankful for hoodies.
I am thankful for 5 to 6 inch stilettos.
I am thankful for finally finding out what I want to do with my life. Now to get the courage to
just fucking do it...
I am thankful for the new music I fell in love with this year: Red Cortez, Robert Francis,
Ladyhawke, etc etc.
I am thankful for Jakob Dylan and the fact he never ceases to amaze and inspire me.
I am thankful for cars.
I am thankful for Orange County. There is no place like home.
I am thankful for our beautiful beaches, especially late at night when not another soul is around.
I am thankful for electricity.
I am thankful for hair bleach.
I am thankful for tattoo ink.
I am thankful for TOFU!!!
I am thankful for everywhere I have been able to go this year. And it's not over yet!
I am thankful for how much I have changed this year.
I am thankful for Fergie dying her hair darker so I can tell her and Bret Michaels apart.
I am thankful for duct tape.
I am thankful for pleather, black lace, and vinyl.
I am thankful for the never-ended stream of art put into this world by us all. Just got to weed
out all the shit, the quality is there!
I am thankful for Maja Ivarsson.
I am thankful for missing him, because it taught me I could.
I am thankful for anyone who will help me destroy VD...HA!
I am thankful for this blog...even if no one reads it.
I am thankful for coffee.
I am thankful for shows, shows, shows.
I am thankful for Michael Ian Black.
I am thankful for Latin.
I am thankful for extensive and growing vocabularies.
I am thankful for educated people that can hold a conversation--they are rather rare.
I am thankful for red lipstick.
I am thankful for a lot of things I have forgotten in this stream of consciousness.
I am thankful for you, if you're reading this.

We Were Once

(New--Dec. 09)

We were once so close we'd say "I love you".
We were once so close we'd talk until 6 am.
We were once so close you said they just didn't understand the connection we had.
We were once so close I ceased to be nervous with you and melted into complete comfort.

Once we were current
Now here we are: the past
These things find a way not to last
Swimming in sea of distraction
But still drowning in you

We were once so close that she was threatened.
We were once so close I actually let you hold my hand.
We were once so close you'd call me to return a text.
We were once so close you hung out with me the night before you left for tour, not her.

Once we were current
Now here we are: the past
These things find a way not to last
Swimming in a sea of distraction
But still drowning in you

We were once so close you'd call at 3 am to make sure I was home safely.
We were once so close we had a web of inside jokes.
We were once so close we could communicate just with our eyes.
We were once so close that I hurt you and pushed you away.

Once we were current
Now here we are: the past
These things find a way not to last
Swimming in a sea of distraction
But still drowning in you

We were once so close I wanted to let you read everything I'd write, and no one else.
We were once so close that you sang right to me and I didn't look away.
We were once so close you cried to me.
We were once so close you sent shivers down my spine and tears to my eyes.

Once we were current
Now here we are: the past
These things find a way not to last
Swimming in a sea of distraction
But still drowning in you

We were once so close that you called me one of your best friends.
We were once so close that it made you proud.
We were once so close that she had to tear us apart.
We were once so close you said I could tell you anything.
And I did.
Anything except "I love you" in the way I truly meant it.
I just couldn't get that close.

Hate You

(first half July 09, second half December 09. It's about 3 people, but they changed places...)

Hate that I love you.
Hate that I like you.
Hate that I care a bit at all.
Hate that I miss you.
Hate that I'd kiss you.
Hate that you're standing in my way.

Hate the goodbye-ing.
Hate all your lying.
Hate how you're playing the game.
Hate that you're so blinded.
Hate that you're willingly binded.
Hate that there's nothing to back up what you say.
Hate that you are all so full of shit.

Hate how you kill me.
Hate how you thrill me.
Hate how you just slinked away.
Hate to regret you.
Hate that I can't quit you.
Hate how I've learned the games you play.

Hate that you're still with her.
Hate that you kiss her.
Hate that you'd hurt her that way.
Hate you for staying trapped.
Hate all that nerve you lack.
Hate that it's turned out this way.
Hate that you are all so full of shit.

Nothing In-Between

(Mid 2009)

Being with you is like trying
to swallow a mouthful of sand.
Too much hard work
and no positive results to speak of.
You're too much work for little in return.

Being with you is like beating my head
against an already bloodied-up brick wall.
There's something so wrong about it
That there's already a warning bled upon it
Yet still I go in for the pain.
And once more, there's no gain.

Speaking with you could be likened
to hearing one of those whistles that only dogs can.
Your earsplitting soft-minded ignorance
makes deafness all the more appealing.
Can you ever hear the vacuousness spewing from between your lips?
Put a cork in it, and swallow.

Being with you is like being eaten away by carnivorous worms
I can't really fault you for taking everything I give,
for consuming every bit of me.
When I am the one who gave it
and asked for nothing in return.
Still, I wish you would spit me out
and lose your appetite for attention.

"so beautiful.......I'm gonna be a supermodel"

"When I'm a supermodel
and my hair will shine like the sea.
Everyone will wanna look just like me
me...
Cause I'm young and I'm hip, and so beautiful,
I'm gonna be a supermodel..."

It's been almost 2 years since my first "modeling" experience (I said that in a bad French accent in my head, so please go back and re-read that accurately). It involved me and one of my worst fears: a banana.

The photographer asked me to model for the project in which we were recreating paintings in photographs because she thought I looked like the girl in the particular painting. She didn't realize when she light-heartedly said "Hope you like bananas!" that I fear bananas more than most things in the world...clowns, spiders, Michael Caine, the Burger-King King guy in the commercials.
My lips were shaking the whole time, my palms were sweating, my heart was beating faster than a hummingbird's (okay, that's a wee exaggeration).

Ugh. I just relived it a bit writing that paragraph. :::shudder:::

Since that eventful night I have lost 100 pounds and gained a shitload of confidence (thanks Cole).
Having been asked more and more recently if I model or if I am interested in modeling I've decided to give it a bit of a shot. For fun, not professionally by any means.
A month and a half ago or so Michelle wanted to shoot for tattoo magazines. Having not only her in my face with a camera but also Pete, the hairstylist, another model, and about 30 "recovering" alcoholics from a nearby AA meeting who came outside at the flashing lights watching would make ANYONE uncomfortable, right???
Michelle is half done editing that set...so the outcome remains to be seen. Let's just say I don't have the highest of hopes for my awkwardness.

Last night I did a few sets with The Jew. We had had some plans for a while. One of which was making a necklace out of rainbow Twizzlers. We were originally going to use another model for it, but then we decided I am like, so awesome and everything that why not use me? Ha.

I think we might have set a record for the number of times in one shoot that the photographer said "I HATE YOU" to the model. I kept trying to make her laugh which apparently models aren't supposed to do. My obstacle now is not only trying to ooze my confidence through the lense but doing so while remaining serious and attempting to make sexy-model-face. All I want to do is make faces, jump around, dance, do the hustle, etc. I find it necessary to be in motion, I feel like a complete FOOL just standing there...
Oi.
I think we got some good shots though, once I exhausted myself a lil' bit.

Have more shoots to plan. A jewelry designer contacted me about modeling. Oh yeah and this designer asked me about modeling on Saturday at the HK fashion show, and gave me her card. www.purrfectpineapples.com (yeah...SOMEDAY)

I'm workin' on it. I've just got to get better at being serious...



JAZZ HANDS!!!!

No, that compliment is brand new, I swear

What is it with guys?

Sorry, loaded question.
Specifically, what is it with guys who compliment you and then get all butthurt when you don't just fall to the floor in gratitude?

99% of the time I have heard your compliment or your line several dozen times. It's not new. I will say thank you and smile because I am unfailingly nice and polite. But don't expect more.
Do they think you're going to take them somewhere dark and fuck them just because they tell you you're hot, or have nice tattoos, or they like your hair?

Sorry buddy, I've heard it all before and not one of the previous compliment-givers has had that sort of luck with ME.

I also love dudes who hit on you in stores, gas stations, from their cars, etc. I guess I can admire their delusions...that they try even though it is absolutely RIDICULOUS to do so.

Although I do want to find that guy who told me I was too pretty to pump my own gas and that I should have someone who did it for me, who begged me to let him wash my windshield. My fear of gas stations grows every time I have to get gas and having a personal gas-pumper so that I can hide in my Cadillac is looking more and more appealing.

Hello Kitty, please burn in hellfires (A recap of my day)

I think I lost a few years off my life yesterday with the stress case that was the Hello Kitty Fashion Show.
If I wasn't so downtrodden in the areas of finance, I would have never agreed to be head makeup artist. Even with the promises of monies dangled in front of me I was mulling over plausible excuses I could give Friday night in a last-ditch effort to get out of it. If one of my best friends wasn't running the thing I most likely would have done my typical last minute abandoning of ship.

For one, I hate Hello Kitty. And when I say hate, I mean HATE. Right under VC aka VD on my list of hate. They might actually be the only two things on that list.

1. The Venereal Disease that is VC
2. Hello Kitty

It's not a long list, but it is one I am very passionate about. Hello Kitty is to me synonymous with all these wanna-be little girls, boys, and in-between, who try too hard and leopard print their hair. Trying to look different and all ending up the same. What once was a cute little cartoon from Japan that delighted little kids has become a mascot for this sort of shallow surface-obsessed world that I have unfortunately become a part of since I started working professionally as a makeup artist.

From the get-go I felt like a sell out for even participating in this. But, god damn I'm broke. And being in charge was a bit of a draw: At least I wouldn't be told what to do with my art.
So I found myself sucked back into the cotton-candy pink land of cheap glitter, neon hair, vapid myspace scene-queens and their egos, and worst of all the mass acceptance of sub-par art and effort as the norm, or worse, quality.

The day started off with, what else? Late models. I'm not talking the fashionably late, albeit rude, 15 minutes. More like an hour. I being key makeup artist took this time to explain to my minions how the makeup was to look. We were using Shrinkle's new makeup line, Sugar Pill (AMAZING by the way) so that we would have a cohesive color palette.
I have been working as a makeup artist for 3 years. One of the MUAs has had more experience than me, and I had been assured that both of them were capable of quality work. So when I have a conversation with them explaining how I want the look down, and they kind of cut me off with a "yeah yeah yeah..." like we are of one mind and totally on the same wavelength, I feel like they know exactly what I am talking about.
I say I want a smokey eye format, with the darker color on the lid to a lighter and/or different color above the crease. Simple, flattering on everyone, and could be customized to the colors in each model's outfits. Simple glossy lip so the color focus is on the eyes, and despite my loathing for blush, a lightly pink cheek since it's Hello Kitty and Hello Kitty is...vomit...sweet.

I am naive. I am consistently looking for the good in people's hearts, and SKILLS, assuming it is there. I didn't think I needed to babysit a makeup artist who has worked for NARS and has a year more experience than I. I trusted what I was told, that these girls were not as good as I am, because honestly more and more I realize that is rare, but still perfectly capable.

What I got was nothing near a smokey eye, with muddy colors, spotty blending, drag queen blush, models sent to the show with NOTHING on their lips, etc etc. The original plan w that after my models were ready I was OUT of there. I had agreed to do 2 or 3 models and found myself taking on FIVE. The 2 I was in charge of were supposed to, had agreed to, had been told by the event coordinator to take care of touch ups between runway shows. I was NOT planning on staying (read my early hostile ramblings of my hatred toward that "cat"). Yet I am the ONLY one backstage taking care of ALLLLLLL the models. Powdering every single one, putting lipgloss on two when I see in horror they were sent out with NOTHING on their lips. I get close to some of the models I didn't work on and see shadow fallout all over their faces. The makeup in a whole was only cohesive in that the Shrinkle palettes were used. FAIL.
The 2 coordinators kept apologizing to me and thanking me for going above and beyond because they could tell how stressed and upset I was. But it wasn't about me doing any extra work. I t was just more about me, once again, realizing the massive amounts of CRAP that is put out there and ACCEPTED by people. I just can't stand it. It's disheartening and depressing, and makes me want to just stop everything. If total shit is appreciated and welcomed as good, then why even bother trying to put real art out there? No one cares. They'll take anything as long as it's a bright color or you throw some sequins on it. Magpie masses with skittish ADD brains, ready to take off chasing the next flashy thing that is dangled in front of them.

Ugh. I could go on and on and on. Honestly, I was pissed. And disgusted. I'm glad I stayed just because the models needed to be taken care of and everyone else is too lazy and fucking inept to do it.

When I was getting ready to leave one of the MUAs says "You stayed! You weren't going to stay!" all happy and cheerful. I looked her right in the eyes and said very poignantly "Yeah. And it's a good thing I stayed because I was the ONLY ONE back there doing touch-ups." Her excuse was that she "forgot" to bring her stuff in with her. So go out to your car and get it!!!!
Normally I wouldn't be so bitchy to someone's face, and I felt bad after. And this was someone I met for the first time yesterday and is REALLY good friends with one of my best friend's. She probably thinks I hate her. I don't. Just one more to add to a different list...the list of people who make me realize that true talent and passion is exceedingly rare. And THAT list? That list is getting longer and longer and longer.

Flotsam & Jetsam

(July 09)

I finally stopped holding my breath for you.
I was the solvent and you were the glue.
You held me together for as long as I'd take.
Until there came a night when I could no longer fake
the smile I'd plastered like a joker's grin on my face,
nor the heartache I would so deftly try to erase.

All of my blankets have been ripped to shreds.
But I'm making something new:
A quilt made of the dead.
One by one I'm stitching these pieces together.
Making a flotsam and jetsam parachute
under which I can take cover.

Now I'm glad I pulled the plug on the whole operation.
Watched it spin deasil down the drain.
You were always hanging over me
Drenching me in your rain.
I remember it like you were yesterday.
Now that we're here I know just what to say.

All of my blankets have been ripped to shreds.
But I'm making something new:
A quilt made of the dead.
One by one I'm stitching these pieces together.
Making a flotsam and jetsam parachute
under which I can take cover.

The memories that comforted me
no longer break my fall.
But we're back on the court now,
and I've got the ball.
I've been competing with the world and not one prize has come my way.
So I blew over our house made of cards,
and this is where it's gonna lay.

All of my blankets have been ripped to shreds.
But I'm making something new:
A quilt made of the dead.
One by one I'm stitching these pieces together.
Making a flotsam and jetsam parachute
under which I can take cover.

You are a short excerpt of a life that is to come.
A blurp upon the page--
a small addition to the final sum.
You've been subtracted from this current word problem.
In totality--for now?
You're gone.